The Best 'Life of Brian Movie' Quotes
For all you Monty Python fans, here are the best quotes from Life of Brian, ranked by fans like you. Life of Brian is a Monty Python production dating back to 1979 of a hapless man mistaken as a Messiah. The movie was a satirical comedy of biblical proportions and, since the topic was religion, was summarily misunderstood by the public. Banned in several countries for blasphemy and such, the film was ironically a huge box office success, perhaps due to the reverse psychology and notoriety. Nevertheless, there are a lot of funny lines from Life of Brian, and the film still holds up to this day.
What are your favorite Life of Brian quotes? Upvote the ones you love below and watch the rise to the top of the list.- 1228 VOTES
What Have The Romans Ever Done For Us?
Video: YouTube
Reg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
PFJ Member: Brought peace?
Reg: Oh, peace? SHUT UP! - 2163 VOTES
Blessed Are The Cheesemakers
Video: YouTube
Man: I think it was, "Blessed are the cheesemakers"!
Gregory's wife: What's so special about the cheesemakers?
Gregory: Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturer of dairy products. - 3247 VOTES
Biggus D*ckus
Video: YouTube
Pontius Pilate: So, yaw fatha was a Woman? Who was he?
Brian: He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons
Pontius Pilate: Weally? What was his name?
Brian: Naughtius Maximus.
Pontius Pilate: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Centurion: Well, no, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
Centurion: Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir... like, uh, "Sillius Soddus" or... "Biggus D*ckus," sir.
Pontius Pilate: What's so funny about "Biggus D*ckus"?
Centurion: Well, it's a joke name, sir.
Pontius Pilate: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus D*ckus. Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
Brian: Can I go now, sir? Aaah! Eh.
Pontius Pilate: Wait till Biggus D*ckus hears of this!
- 4259 VOTES
Men And Babies
Video: YouTube
Stan: I want to have babies.
Reg: You want to have babies?!?!
Stan: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg: But ... you can't HAVE babies!
Stan: Don't you oppress me!
Reg: I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus gonna gestate? You gonna keep it in a box? - 5208 VOTES
Always Look On The Bright Side of Life
Video: YouTube
Man: Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say: some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble; give a whistle, and this'll help things turn out for the best. And... always look on the bright side of life...
- 6194 VOTES
Lessons in Latin
Video: YouTube
Centurion: What's this then? "Romanes eunt domus"? "People called Romanes, they go the 'ouse"?
Brian: It — it says "Romans go home".
Centurion: No it doesn't. What's Latin for "Roman"? Come on, come on!
Brian: "Romanus"?
Centurion: Goes like...?
Brian: "Annus"?
Centurion: Vocative plural of "annus" is...?
Brian: "Anni."
Centurion: "Romani". "Eunt"? What is "eunt"?
Brian: "Go".
Centurion: Conjugate the verb "to go".
Brian: Ire, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.
Centurion: So "eunt" is...?
Brian: Third person plural, present indicative. "They go".
Centurion: But "Romans go home" is an order, so you must use the...?
Brian: Eeeh, imperative!
Centurion: Which is…?
Brian: Uh, uhm, "ii"! "Ii"!
Centurion: How many Romans?
Brian: Aah! Plural, plural! "Ite"! "Ite"!
Centurion: "Ite". "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home", this is motion towards, isn't it, boy?”
Brian: Dative! Ah! Not dative! Not the dative! Aah! Accusative, accusative! "Domum", sir, "ad domum".
Centurion: Except that "domus" takes the...?
Brian: The locative, sir!
Centurion: Which is...?
Brian: "Domum"!
Centurion: "Domum". "Um". Understand?
Brian: Yes, sir.
Centurion: Now write it out a 'undred times.
Brian: Yes, thank you Sir, Hail Caesar.
Centurion: Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
Brian: Finished!
Centurion: Right. Now don't do it again. - 7158 VOTES
Differently The Same Individuals
Video: YouTube
Brian: Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals!
Crowd: Yes! We're all individuals!
Brian: You're all different!
Crowd: Yes, we are all different!
Man in crowd: I'm not...
Crowd: Shhh! - 8182 VOTES
Naughty Boy
Video: YouTube
Brian's mother: He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! Now, go away!
- 9129 VOTES
Jehovah's Witlessness
Video: YouTube
Matthias: Look, I don't think it should be a sin, just for saying "Jehovah."
Jewish Official: You're only making it worse for yourself!
Matthias: Making it worse? How can it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
Jewish Official: I'm warning you! If you say "Jehovah" one more time... RIGHT! Who did that? Come on, who did it?
Crowd: She did! She did! He! He did! He!
Jewish Official: Was it you?
Person: Yes.
Jewish Official: Right...
Person: Well you did say "Jehovah."
Jewish Official: STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! STOP IT! All right, no one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle. Even... and I want to make this absolutely clear... even if they do say, "Jehovah."
- 10115 VOTES
How Do We... What?
Video: YouTube
Brian: ...Will you please listen? I'm not the Messiah! Do you understand? Honestly!
Woman: Only the true Messiah denies his divinity!
Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right, I am the Messiah!
Crowd: He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian: Now, f*ck off!
Arthur: How shall we f*ck off, oh Lord?
Brian: Oh, just go away! Leave me alone! - 11101 VOTES
Welease Woger!
Video: YouTube
Pilate: People of Jewusalem! Wome is your fwiend. To pwove our fwiendship, it is customawy at this time to welease a wongdoer fwom our pwisons. Whom would you have me welease?
Man: Welease Woger!
Pilate: Vewy well. I shall welease Woger!
Centurion: Sir, uh, we don't have a Woger, sir.
Pilate: What?
Centurion: Uh, we don't have anyone of that name, sir.
Pilate: Ah. We have no 'Woger'!
Man: Well, what about Wodewick, then?
- 12111 VOTES
Crucifixion Or Freedom
Video: YouTube
Nisus Wettus: Crucifixion?
Mr. Cheeky: Ah, no. Freedom.
Nisus Wettus: What?
Mr. Cheeky: Eh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything, so I can go free and live on an island somewhere.
Nisus Wettus: Oh, oh that´s jolly good well. Off you go then.
Mr. Cheeky: No, I'm only pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really!
Nisus Wettus: Oh, I see, very good. Well...
Mr. Cheeky: Yes I know, out the door, one cross each, line on the left. - 1365 VOTES
Art of Haggling
Video: YouTube
Brian: How much? Quick.
Storekeeper: What?
Brian: It's for the wife.
Storekeeper: Oh. Uhhh, twenty shekels.
Brian: Right.
Storekeeper: What?
Brian: There you are.
Storekeeper: Wait a minute.
Brian: What?
Storekeeper: Well, we're-- we're supposed to haggle.
Brian: No, no. I've got to get--
Storekeeper: What do you mean, "no, no, no"?
Brian: I haven't time. I've got--
Storekeeper: Well, give it back, then.
Brian: No, no, no. I just paid you.
Storekeeper: Burt!
Burt: Yeah?
Storekeeper: This bloke won't haggle.
Burt: Won't haggle?!
Brian: All right. Do we have to?
- 1467 VOTES
Could Be Worse
Video: YouTube
Centurion: You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harboring a known [offender]?
Matthias: No.
Centurion: Crucifixion!
Matthias: Oh.
Centurion: Nasty, eh?
Matthias: Could be worse.
Centurion: What you mean "Could be worse"?
Matthias: Well, you could be stabbed.
Centurion: Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible [end].
Matthias: Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.
Centurion: You're weird!
- 1567 VOTES
No Pleasing Ex-Lepers
Video: YouTube
Brian: There's no pleasing some people.
Ex-leper: That's just what Jesus said, sir. - 1675 VOTES
Hating the Romans
Video: YouTube
Reg: If you want to join the People's Front of Judea, you have to really hate the Romans.
Brian: I do!
Reg: Oh yeah, how much?
Brian: A lot!
Reg: Right, you're in.
- 1760 VOTES
Stockholmed
Video: YouTube
Ben the Prisoner: Quite the jailer's pet, are we?
Brian: What do you mean?
Ben the Prisoner: You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?
Brian: Slipped him a few shekels - you saw him spit in my face!
Ben the Prisoner: Oh, what wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face? I sometimes hang awake at night, dreaming of being spat at in the face.
Brian: Well it's not exactly friendly, is it? They have me in manacles!
Ben the Prisoner: Manacles! Ooooh, my idea of heaven, is to be allowed to be put in manacles. Just for a few hours... they must think the sun shines out your a**, sonny.
- 1881 VOTES
Thwow Him To The Floow
Video: YouTube
Centurion: Oh, and uh...thwow him to the floow, sir?
Pontius Pilate: What?
Centurion: Thwow him to the floow again, sir?
Pontius Pilate: Oh yes, throw him to the floor, please. - 1972 VOTES
Book of Cyril
Video: YouTube
Boring Prophet: ...there shall, in that time, be rumors of things going astray, errrm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi - with the sort of raffia work base that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock. Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril that...
- 2050 VOTES
I Should Know
Video: YouTubeBrian: I'm not the Messiah!
Arthur: I say you are, lord, and I should know, I've followed a few! - 2145 VOTES
A Very Difficult Time
Video: YouTubeReg: "We, the People's Front of Judea, brackets, official, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. "
Brian: What?
Reg: "Your [demise] will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the P. F. J. , etc." And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration, for what you're doing for us, Brian, on what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time. - 2248 VOTES
Star Sign
Video: YouTube
Mandy: So you're astrologers, then? What is he?
Wise man: Pardon?
Mandy: What star sign is he?
Wise man: Er, Capricorn.
Mandy: And what are they like?
Wise men: Well, he is the son of God, our Messiah. King of the Jews.
Mandy: And that's Capricorn, is it?
Wise man: No, no, no. That's just him.
Mandy: Ohh, I was going to say, "Otherwise, there'd be a lot of them." - 2341 VOTES
Completely Pointless
Video: YouTube
Reg: Right. Now, uh, item four: attainment of world supremacy within the next five years. Uh, Francis, you've been doing some work on this.
Francis: Yeah. Thank you, Reg. Well, quite frankly, siblings, I think five years is optimistic, unless we can smash the Roman empire within the next twelve months.
Reg: Twelve months?
Francis: Yeah, twelve months. And, let's face it. As empires go, this is the big one, so we've got to get up off our a**** and stop just talking about it!
Loretta: I agree. It's action that counts, not words, and we need action now.
Reg: You're right. We could sit around here all day talking, passing resolutions, making clever speeches. It's not going to shift one Roman soldier!
Francis: So, let's just stop gabbing on about it. It's completely pointless and it's getting us nowhere!
Loretta: I agree. This is a complete waste of time.
- 2445 VOTES
Let Me Shoulder Your Burden, Brother
Video: YouTube
Man: Let me shoulder your burden, brother. Uh.
Crossbearer: Oh, thank you.
Man: Uh. H-- hey!
Centurion: Oh, hey! What d'you think you're doing?
Man: Ah, I-- it's not my cross.
Centurion: Shut up and get on with it!
Mr. Cheeky: Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. He had you there, mate. Didn't he? That'll teach you a lesson. Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!
- 2547 VOTES
Struggle Together!
Video: YouTube
Brian: People, we should be struggling together.
PFJ member: We are!
Brian: No, we should be rising up against the common enemy.
All: The Judean People's Front?!
Brian: No no, the Romans!
